By Yegunsoko Amihere
The list of things the eye can’t see.
The burn: In my heart, in my brain. I hate the feeling but I love the thrill of it—like sticking your finger into a candle, like running in the rain, knowing that illness will surely follow.
The war: “It’s true, you know,” my brain inches, “Shut up,” I say to it. But I know it’s right.
The unfeeling: My brain goes off. My vision is monochrome like an old camera, one use, like an old camera, tired, like an old camera.
The rage: I don’t notice as the grey and black and white are replaced by deafening red. I can taste it, like salt and lime, an acquired taste of the betrayed and vengeful.
The poison: It sprays from my mouth all around us. I love it. I hate it. It is me, I am it. The victim is hit. Hold on, I am the victim, not them… right?
The paint: I inhale the poison. Backfire. The red fog recedes and I can feel and I can see. It burns me; my skin and tongue and ears. Everything is over-bright. Lurid colours. I want to touch them. I touch them. They stick on my skin; the green of envy stains my fingertips; the blue of loneliness on my cheeks.
The drain: I’m tired. I always am, unfortunately… or is it? I hush till I am hurt then I burst out. Firecracker. Now, I’m done, there is nothing else to do. Every time I pass her, the girl in the mirror, I’m immediately tired. I have to make a conscious effort to stay awake. Staying awake till it is just my ceiling and me. Then I paint it with tears and memories (they are the same, are they not?) then I seep away.
The jealousy: There is somebody, somebody I know but will not mention. She is better than me. I know and I hate that I know. She is kinder and smarter. My heart seethes.
The bottle: My dear bottle. Again, you hold fire in your core. One day, you will shatter. What shall I do then?
The default: pretend, pretend, pretend. Nothing happened, you are fine. Don’t think about the bottle—in fact, it doesn’t exist. Denial, an old friend that’s the easiest to find in hard times. It latches on my shoulder.
Yegunsoko is of Blooming Heritage Secondary School, Abuja
