By Asma’u Yusuf
Hey fam,
Good intentions can sometimes go wrong.
Let’s talk about something a little uncomfortable—but real: toxic parenting.
Now, wait—before you roll your eyes or shout, “That’s why I don’t like this house!”—breathe.
This isn’t about blaming or dragging your parents through the mud. It’s about understanding what happens when love starts to feel like pressure… or fear… or silence.
Because let’s be honest: Some of us are being raised in homes that hurt more than they heal. And the confusing part? Sometimes, the people hurting us think they’re helping.
What is toxic parenting anyway?
It’s not just when your mum yells at you or your dad says “Because I said so.”
Toxic parenting is a pattern where:
Your confidence is constantly chipped away
Your emotions are ignored or dismissed
You’re controlled instead of guided
You feel like love has to be earned—not freely given
And here’s the kicker: you might not even realise it, because it’s just… normal at your house.
Some signs you might recognise
You’re always walking on eggshells
You can’t just be. You’re constantly adjusting your voice, words, or face to avoid upsetting someone.
“Why are you frowning?” “I don’t like your tone.”
Sometimes you wonder if silence is your safest outfit.
Your feelings are dismissed.
“Stop crying.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“When I was your age, I already had a job.”
Instead of being heard, you feel judged.
You’re controlled, not supported
Maybe your phone gets searched with zero trust.
Maybe every outfit or friendship becomes a family debate.
You’re growing—but not being allowed to own your voice.
Guilt trips & emotional blackmail
“After everything I’ve done for you…”
“You’re going to break this family.”
Yikes. That’s not love—it’s manipulation wrapped in sacrifice.
Comparisons That Cut Deep
“Your sister doesn’t give me this headache.”
“See how other children behave?”
It’s the kind of love that makes you feel like you’ll never be enough.
But wait—let’s keep it real about parents too
Let’s not turn this into a parent roast session. Many parents are doing their best with:
Unhealed trauma
Zero emotional education
Cultures that equate fear with respect
Add in real fear for their children (especially in today’s crazy world), and sometimes control and overprotection come from panic, not hatred.
“I’m hard on you because I’m scared for you.”
Is that okay? Not always.
Is it understandable? Sometimes, yes.
It’s complicated. But knowing their fear doesn’t mean you excuse the hurt. It just helps you understand why love sometimes comes out as control.
And remember…
Your parents do love you—even if they don’t always know how to show it.
They’re often the first people in your corner and would give you the world if they could.
So… try cutting them a little slack sometimes.
Try seeing things from their point of view—especially when it feels like they just “don’t get it.”
And remember: you’re at that phase where everything feels like “Nobody understands me” or “I’m being judged.”
It’s normal. And this too shall pass.
Hey, we all went through it—and we turned out fine.
(Well… almost fine.)
What you can do (without starting World War 3 at home)
Know it’s not your fault
You didn’t cause this. You’re not “too much.” You’re not “ungrateful.”
Your feelings are real.
Find safe adults
An aunt, a mentor, a teacher or a neighbor
Sometimes healing starts with someone who listens without trying to fix you.
Try dialogue when it’s safe
Say:
“I know you’re worried about me, but I feel suffocated.”
“Can we talk about a better way to handle things when I mess up?”
“I want to do better too. Let’s figure this out.”
Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. But speaking up plants a seed.
Dialogue is ideal—but safety comes first.
If you live in a home where speaking up leads to shouting, punishment, or fear—it’s okay to stay quiet and protect your peace.
Just know you’re not crazy for wanting better.
Reassure when you can
If your parents are anxious or paranoid, a little reassurance can soften the air.
Try:
“I’m not hiding anything. I promise to come to you if I’m in trouble.”
“You raised me well. Let me try and make mistakes too.”
You’re not parenting your parents—but sometimes showing maturity invites more trust.
Build Your Own Peace
Write. Pray. Dance. Journal.
Create safe places in your mind when your home isn’t one.
Final Words: You deserve love that feels like love
Not survival.
Not fear.
Not walking on eggshells just to be “accepted.”
You’re not ungrateful. You’re not difficult. You’re not too much.
You’re just human. And worthy.
And yes—you can grow up in pain and still create a home of peace later.
That’s the real flex.
This Week’s Journal Prompts:
What are 3 things I wish the adults in my life understood about me?
What would a safe home look and feel like for me?
How do I want to parent differently in future?
Asma’u is a Dyslexia Interventionist, “The Teach with the Louding Voice” and Founder of The Learners’ Den.
